Intergalactic Harmony:

Names

(Author’s introductory note: Intergalactic Harmony is a series of short, humorous sci-fi stories which champion the bizarre and the extraordinary. The series follows the various expeditions and exploits of a certain “Mr Friend”, an envoy sent from Earth on many missions of peace and unification in regard to the members of the discovered intergalactic races…

His assistant, the young and inexperienced “Mr Peter”, accompanies the former as he travels the universe in aid of peace and unity…)

Mr Friend walked down the narrow hallway to his office.

As he approached the door to this room, he let out an enormous sigh of irritation as a recent occurrence of some frustration was brought back to his mind…

The office was quite new, having been acquired for the use of himself and his assistant, Mr Peter, after their old office was destroyed by a violent explosion. This explosion had been caused by a so-called “communication” received from the planet Watorn (a name chosen by the official intergalactic geographer Marcus Norman, to whom the privilege of naming all newly discovered planets had been granted).

This “communication” had come in response to a plea, from the worthy powers of the worthy planet Earth, for peace and a ceasing of hostilities.

Mr Friend’s former assistant, Chandlers, had been unfortunate enough to open this “communication” and discover its true intent: the sudden, violent destruction of human life…

The explosion of this crafty device (which had been constructed in a manner clever enough to evade suspicion from the security checks made upon it) had destroyed the entire building in which the office was located, claiming the lives of countless individuals and destroying many official documents and valuable sources of information.

As Chandlers had met his end, Mr Friend was forced to choose a new assistant, one Thomas Peter, a young man not long qualified and of somewhat dubious abilities…

One of his first blunders was the cause of Mr Friend’s extended sigh- he had been instructed by the former, upon receipt of their newly assigned office, to order and arrange the lettering which was to be affixed to their office door, which included the names of the two persons working therein, the name of their department (The Bureau Of Intergalactic Relations) and the motto, or maxim, if you will, of this organisation.

When Mr Friend had arrived at his office, the first day of work in their new setup just ahead of him, he had stood in front of the door and read, first with approval and then with barely suppressed professional indignation, the following legend:

Mr’s Friend And Peter

Bureau Of Intergalactic Relations

Peace And Untidy

It would not be difficult for a casual reader to ascertain that the final word in this grand declaration of meaning and identity was at odds with the originally intended arrangement…

“Peace And Unity”, the saying which embodied the spirit and endeavours of The Bureau Of Intergalactic Relations, were the three words that could be found on any official document, building/office or article of clothing that had a function within this establishment.

Mr Friend had left clear instructions on how the office door’s words were to be arranged, and yet, somehow, his new assistant had managed to effect an aberration in their arrangement… Upon his discovery of this, Mr Friend had produced one of his long, heartfelt sighs…

This sigh was to be the first of many caused by the worthy “Peter”, who seemed to excel in a species of failure not commonly observed amongst the members of advanced human society in the year 2075…

His sigh completed, Mr Friend entered the new office.

His assistant was located by his desk, sorting through some papers which would doubtless have a bearing on the day’s activities.

“I’ve just made your tea,” Mr Peters proudly announced to his boss, “I’ve put it on your desk”.

“Thank you.”

Mr Friend sighed again-he was in the habit of ordering coffee, but no matter, he would drink the tea.

He took a brief moment to survey the new office, as he had frequently done over the past few days since their arrival.

The large metal file cabinet behind and to the right of his desk…

The water machine and a small, rather unsightly plant he had been gifted on a recent mission by an alien race, side by side, just opposite a large window which gave a generous view of the world beyond… (These latter to the left of the desk)

By the door opening into a small backroom, on the right-hand side of the room,  a coffee machine, artfully constructed in the very latest style and abundant in options pertaining to taste and aroma…

And finally, on the other side of the office, Peter’s desk, smaller than Friend’s yet bearing a far larger share of paperwork, as Friend was not a lover of this aspect of the work and delegated much of it to his assistant (a decision he had already had cause to regret, as, just days ago, they had arrived on a planet bearing gifts and a proposal of trade, only to discover that this particular planet was not the correct destination, and that its residents were not the peace loving allies whom they had expected to meet, but rather an aggressive race upon whom Earth had recently exchanged a declaration of war…)

The décor of the room was in the very latest business fashion: dull, grey paint adorning the walls and shallow, minimalistic artwork displayed upon the walls.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I’ve been delayed on today’s work… I had to send off for another set of papers for our latest assignment- first thing this morning, I spilt some coffee over the first set…”

Mr Friend admirably contained the large quantity of tea he had just put in his mouth upon receipt of this news; his reasons for frustration at his new assistant seemed to grow on an almost daily basis, and were an added source of stress in a job which often promised more than healthy levels of this symptom.

“Right…Sort out the new set and then let me know what’s needed…”

“Ok, Mr Fred…er…Friend”.

As his boss was emitting a much-needed sigh, Mr Peter sat down at his desk and began to peruse the new set of documents.

Friend watched over him with a critical eye, in mortal dread of what disaster may yet occur…

He observed a remarkable variety of expressions pass over the face of his assistant as he read the relevant papers; at first, a kind of subdued apathy seemed dominant, followed by a violent expression of disbelief and, finally, an unrestrained outburst of laughter.

“What is it!?” Friend demanded.

“Well…it’s our latest assignment sir…perhaps you’d care to take a look…”

Peter handed him the document he’d been reading.

It read, in part:

For the attention of Mr Roger Friend.

From the Bureau Of Intergalactic Relations

Planet: Name

Galaxy: Omera

Sector 3a

Race: (As yet unassigned)

Relations: Early. Peaceful. Caution

Task: We require that you meet, on the 5^th of 07 2075, an alien person under the name of Rugulpugulamnarioty, the leader and ruling entity of the entire planet of Name. His companion (to whom we would likely refer as an “envoy”) a certain Bowlretmartfet, will be present, along with a group of individuals who would seem to serve in an administrative capacity within their structure of authority. As this planet and its denizens have only recently been discovered and contacted, we request that you conduct your mission with all due caution. A consignment of military personnel will rendezvous with you upon your arrival on the surface. Your mission will be to establish a definite status of peace with these aliens, and, perhaps, to discuss the possibility of trade and other avenues of mutual benefit with them, according to your discretion. From early observations, these aliens seem proud of their culture and society, and also seem remarkably bold both in speech and action. Use caution at all times. The landing coordinates will be sent to you as you approach Name.

Martin Daniels

Head of Bureau Of Intergalactic Relations

“Funny names, sir!” burst out Peter, as Friend finished reading.

“Hmm…yes. Very odd. Still, we meet all kinds out there. I’m sure some of our customs and behaviours seem rather strange to other races.”

“I suppose so…Still! Rugulpugulamnarioty?! Bowlretmartfet??!!”

Peter let out such a din in his state of mirth, that a person from the adjoining office, the head of Civic Affairs, knocked on the door and asked if all was well.

“Be quiet, Peter! Get to work on the rest of the papers and I’ll go and arrange for the transport to take us to Name upon the ‘morrow. And try not to let anything happen to those files, please!”

Peter’s laughter gradually subsided and he resumed his preparations; meanwhile, Friend travelled to the nearest Star Port and arranged for transportation for himself, his assistant, and needed supplies to the planet Name.

Mr Friend was a very small man. As the transport vessel zipped its way through space towards its destination-Name-his tiny frame seemed dwarfed by the large seat which he occupied near the rear of the vessel. Despite his small size, his reputation as an envoy of distinction in the history of Earth’s communications with alien races was unmatched by any other envoy.

(When Mr Peter had first met and got acquainted with his new master, he had joked that, due to his astounding reputation, Mr Friend must be the cause of great ENVOY amongst those sharing his profession. Needless to say, Mr Friend had not laughed…)

Friend was pale, had blue eyes and white hair, a small moustache, and walked awkwardly, as though his body were beginning to break down.

Indeed, at the age of 65, Mr Friend was no longer youthful, and it was already a matter of some concern to the Bureau Of Intergalactic Relations as to where a person, with very large feet, could be found to fill such large shoes upon Friend’s retirement…

Mr Peter was a young man of 24, dark-haired, of a sensitive, almost artistic appearance, with dark eyes and a fine, tall figure.

He did not, however, match up to his fine appearance so far in his new activities with Mr Friend; his habit of making mistakes had caused his boss to wonder at the wisdom and judgement of his employees in sending such a person to be his assistant; also, he had a tendency to regularly indulge in fits of loud, idiotic laughter at the merest hint of humour, which often left Mr Friend desperately torn between the acts of suicide and murder…

His father, a man of some repute on Earth in business, had relations with one of the big names at the Bureau, causing certain suspicions to arise in the mind of Mr Friend…

As the transport vessel neared the planet of Name, the coordinates for the landing were sent through to the pilot-hired for the trip at the expense of the Bureau-and the ship made a steady descent towards the surface.

Upon breaking through the atmosphere, the ship shuddered slightly, and the pilot explained to his eminent passengers that this was due to the adverse weather conditions prevalent upon Name.

In the papers read by Friend and his assistant prior to their departure, a description of the conditions of this world had been provided.

Freak weather was common here, with huge gusts of wind getting up to 120mph often whipping across its surface, and heavy downpours of aggressive rain regularly striking the ground.

Perpetual cloud, obscuring the two suns of this planet, dominated the skies; it was dark like that found upon Earth in stormy weather, yet a curious hint of pink could be found amongst its ebony mass.

The alien creatures here were reported to be of a huge, intimidating size, which allowed them relatively safe passage across the wind-swept territories of their world.

They spent much of their time indoors, in surroundings of impressive yet somewhat exaggerated grandeur, and a great deal of their time seemed to be directed towards the self-praise and elevation of their culture and individual persons.

These and some other facts had been conveyed officially to Mr Friend and his assistant prior to their departure. Now, they were soon to make their own observations…

The transport vessel landed in a facility which allowed for the shielding of its occupants from the elements upon their disembarkation. A long tunnel led from this facility to a special chamber in which Friend and young Mr Peter were to meet their hosts. The tunnel had been constructed-like many others on the world of Name- for when the elements became too extreme even for the large, tough bodies of its residents.

Upon entering the chamber, accompanied by a certain Captain Andrews and a small squad of his troops who had met him as promised upon his arrival, Mr Friend was struck by a sense of awe at the grandiose appearance of the chamber.

It was enormous, both in height and width, and its walls and roof were formed of a dark material not too dissimilar from the stone of Earth, which was tinged with a faint hue of pink, in a style which surely mimicked the clouds enveloping Name.

The walls were covered, for the most part, in an extraordinary growth, which had flowers of a variety of rich and delicate colours; deep red, purple, scarlet, orange, gold, and many more…

Here and there, complex structures of an unknown material formed shapes and designs suggestive of artwork.

In the centre of the room, sat before a huge table-like object, were the alien creatures.

Their bodies conformed in colour to the stereotypical idea of alien life, being green all over, and their size was twice that of a human, in breadth and height.

They had long, thin, windy “arms” which were in an almost constant state of motion-two upon each side-and had heads which formed a perfect sphere. They had no hair of any kind, and their face possessed large, fleshy lips and three “eyes”, two in roughly the same position as the human eyes, and one below them in a central position.

Their bodies were large and round, and suggested to a human mind a reclining Buddha, from the chest down to the waist.

Their feet were tiny, in a way that was rather comical, being two in number, and their “legs” only about a handful of inches in length.

(Mr Friend thought to himself as he observed their appearance, that if one of these beings were to begin walking, it would likely result in one of Mr Peter’s frightful fits of laughter…)

All of the aliens assumed a sitting posture on the floor of this room, around a table which was very low.

Each sat at a good distance from the other, with a space of about two feet between each one.

They seemed, as Friend and his assistant emerged from the tunnel into the room, to be involved in some discussion amongst themselves, and, to their amazement, the two human envoys recognised the language as being an earthly one.

(Captain Andrews explained that translation devices had been set up in the room by his team not long before their arrival, at the alien’s consent.)

The tone of speech though, was certainly inhuman, being incredibly deep, thick, and almost sensuous in nature, calling to mind a strange cocktail of emotions, reminiscent of such things as intoxication, romance, and insanity…

Friend and his assistant sat in a similar posture to the aliens in a large space which had evidently been left for their use; no acknowledgement of their arrival had been given, so far, and the aliens continued amongst themselves to discourse at length on a subject of unknown meaning.

After a time, one of the aliens, somewhat isolated from the rest at one end of the table, and reclining next to Friend, introduced himself as “Quapontewadadolfarrontul”, a member of the administrative body present at the gathering, and explained that their presence was noted, yet the discussion would continue until its completion.

Mr Friend remained calm and composed, being long acquainted with all kinds of weird and wonderful alien customs and behaviours.

Mr Peter sat near to his master and seemed caught betwixt the emotions of mirth and fear at the appearance of their hosts. Thankfully, he remained mostly silent, though a very faint sound of giggling could occasionally be heard from his direction. If noticed, the aliens likely took it for some quirk of human behaviour, to be accepted yet ignored…

Quapontewadadolfarrontul continued a discourse with Mr Friend, however, explaining that next to nothing was known about humans to this body, the original contact with humans being mostly conducted by individuals outside of the group here present, and that these individuals had had little time to learn anything from the humans, and still less to convey this scanty information to their superiors, as matters of a greater importance had recently been under discussion.

Mr Friend could readily believe this, as the aliens seemed much concerned with their own affairs, and displayed little interest in the newcomers.

After about 30 minutes of Earth time had elapsed, the group fell silent, and an alien, sitting at the head of one end of the “table”, introduced himself as “Rugulpugulamnarioty”, and the entity to his left as being named “Bowlretmartfet”.

He explained that the body had recently been discussing the highly important and complex matter of the general decorative arrangement of the chamber in which they sat, saying that some here present insisted that a more minimal approach be taken to the decorations adorning the walls, whilst others declared a desire for a more abundant and showy display, with constant colours completely covering the walls and even the ceiling, and that these decorations should consist of materials of both organic and non-organic nature…

At this point, one of the aliens, who sat at the opposite end of the table, began to speak vehemently, with a tone suggestive of protest and even mild aggression, but Rugulpugulamnarioty silenced him.

“Be quiet, Arpolwarpolcondebluton! You have already pronounced your arguments most finely! Now, we will hear our visitors declare their ways and manners! Speak!” and he looked in the direction of Mr Friend and his assistant.

“Hello, great and venerable leader Rugulpugulamnarioty!” Mr Friend began, in a solemn tone of placation and humble submission, “We come with a spirit of peace and unity, from the planet Earth. My name is Friend, and this is my partner, Peter”.

Here he paused, in order to let this sink in and prepare himself for the more difficult part of his speech; he was alarmed, however, by an extraordinary look which passed across the features of their hosts…

Their eyes seemed to almost shut, and then suddenly spring wide open, and their mouths twisted and contorted horribly, as though some sinister poison had entered their system and was wreaking deadly havoc.

Suddenly, an incredible sound emerged into the chamber issuing from the alien beings; after a moment, Friend perceived that it was in fact laughter, and of a species most violent and expressive…

“The…nomes…I mean, names! Surely… can this be?!” Rugulpugulamnarioty said, his body wobbling and shaking like a sort of dubious jelly, “These names are most unusual! F.R.I.E.N.D… Freyend! Friend! And Peter!… It is too … they are so… !”

One of the administrative members, who went under the name of Bowbunglebooglefretagaga, found the latter name to be of particular amusement…

“Peter! P.E.T.E.R. What a ridiculous name! Such a strange sound, too! It does not linger like our names do, either, nor does it have the same elegance or dignity…nor the same structure or impressiveness!”

The aliens continued to wobble and shake with increasing ferocity, and the sound of their inhuman laughs began to echo weirdly in the chamber.

After some time had passed, Mr Friend, whose experience and delicacy in matters of alien communication were second to none, discerned that a discreet retreat from the chamber was in order, as the aliens of Name seemed much given over to their fit of amusement. A new and hopefully more productive meeting could be arranged in a short time.

Quietly, Friend and his assistant rose and made for the tunnel; Captain Andrews understood and signalled for his men, who had taken up discrete, watchful positions about the chamber, to follow.

As they entered the tunnel, the sound of alien laughter could still be heard by the human’s ears, and it only seemed to be growing yet more and more in its intensity and violence…

Friend decided to leave Name and return to Earth for a short spell- he would report this extraordinary happening to the Bureau and ask their permission to return in a day or two.

And so the transport ship departed from Name, leaving behind it scenes of dark, wind-swept terrain and soaking wet; and, also, in a certain chamber to be found on this forbidding world, a group of aliens, shaking and convulsing with other-worldly laughter at the gross humour evoked by the humble names of Friend and Peter…

The following day, safely back on Earth thanks to the wonders of modern space travel, Mr Friend entered his office and accepted a communication which was handed to him by Mr Peter.

He observed that it was from the Bureau Of Intergalactic Relations, and he hastily began to read it, assuming that it was in regard to the events of the other day. He was not mistaken.

A full recital of its contents will not be given here, but, in summary, the communication informed Friend that the aliens upon the world of Name were not at all pleased with the powers of Earth, and had declared a position not too far away from that of war in regard to this worthy world.

The Bureau explained that, after the meeting in the chamber with Friend, the leader, envoy and administrative members of Name had been taken gravely ill, after a fit of what they described as “unhealthy laughter”…

This laughter had been occasioned by the use, on the part of the humans, of the so-called names “Friend” and “Peter”, and that these names were now believed to be elaborate fabrications on the part of the humans, deviously designed and constructed to produce a reaction in the persons of Name detrimental to their general health and well-being. Indeed, that such “ridiculous, ill-conceived words” could be taken as the real names of the humans present on that occasion, was not readily believed by the inhabitants of Name. The Bureau’s communication contained some words, sent from the leader of Name to Earth, which confirmed what the Bureau related. This will be related here in full: “I, Rugulpugulamnarioty, declare a state of cautious hostility towards the persons of the world of “Earth.” This position has been most wisely and prudently assumed after the near-deathly attack upon our persons conducted by two of your citizens- their true names remain, we feel, a secret, as a part of their hideous scheme- upon several of Names most esteemed members. For countless millennia, the tough, perfectly formed bodies of our race have withstood the most violent and terrible assaults from the adverse weather conditions on our planet. They have scarcely escaped, however, the fiendish assault upon them which was produced by the use of two terrible words (I shall not, as our health specialists advise, repeat these words, for my own well-being…) in our chambers of discussion. Thus, we will no longer agree to any meetings or communications of any kind with the humans, and any attempt whatsoever on their part to make contact with us will be met with the most violent reprisals. May you be warned…

The most great, the most eloquent: Rugulpugulamnarioty!

Mr Friend finished the communication, and, taking a sip from his cup of tea (which he had rather hoped would be coffee) he let out one of his long, heartfelt sighs, commonly expelled at moments of some discomfort…

Daniel Macintyre

Writing Completed: 20/02/2024

Copyright Daniel Macintyre protectmywork.com 20/02/2024