The Comoedus

(Second Capitulum)

“Go on, smile! Feel the sides of your mouth begin to stretch and just let your face crack wide open!”

These words were addressed to the audience by a stocky, suggestively smiling individual who made up one half of the newly formed comedy act: The Knight and Day Show!

These opening words had served their user well over many years, and had been described by the latter as being: “…like an anvil dropped onto a frozen pond!” whilst in communication with his partner before the show.

Almost immediately, perceptible grins and relaxed smiles had begun to break out everywhere within the audience gathered in the town hall of Luffsbury.

This may seem a little surprising to a reader who has merely READ the words Malcolm uttered; but, to a person who was present and who had observed Malcolm Knight, it would be no surprise, as this gentleman had within himself a striking amiability which he seemed to convey and effortlessly share and transmit to all those near him…

The audience immediately warmed to Malcolm- this man was their friend, he was on their side, he understood them, wanted them to be happy, to smile, to laugh, to enjoy their evening and to feel on top of the world…

“It has been said of me, my fellow “grinners”,” Malcolm resumed, all the time maintaining his affable and humorous air: “That I am deadly not serious!”

(One or two members of the audience laughed aloud at this.)

“You’re all going to find it easy to laugh with me, to laugh at me, and to laugh for me- for, you must understand, that I will insist that every single one of you break out into laughter before this evening is done!”

All this was met with a warm reaction from the audience: they were not merely laughing and chuckling, they were befriending this man, accepting him into their hearts.

“It doesn’t matter who you are or how difficult it may be: married, a voter, an undertaker, you’re all going to up with those guffaws!”

Malcolm beamed down at his audience, looking intently at each individual, making sure they were all his friends, and, if they weren’t, extending his warm smile of friendship.

“Once, in times long past, I met a man who couldn’t laugh… He was miserable, boring, friendless… Then, he was introduced to good comedy! And boy, did he change! Everything changed! Joy and happiness poured out from him! Every smile was a smile built to last! His face was a haven of humour! And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to this man, for that man is… me, Malcolm Knight, precisely one half… and a bit!- of the Knight and Day Show!”

Spontaneous applause erupted from the beaming audience; men put down beer glasses in order to clap, women stopped fussing at their husbands’ sides and gazed enchanted at the man on the stage, and children looked up with eager, admiring faces at the stout man on the stage.

“I have a feeling,” said Malcolm, “That you and I are going to be good friends this evening! And, now that we’re friends, I must tell you a little story… You see, a few years back, I went on a little trip to the Emerald Isle… Yes, I went to Ireland… I’d never been before, and I was most interested in observing their customs and taking in the sights… One day, I was trotting merrily through this quaint little village, when I heard the church bell strike eight times… Puzzled, I looked at my watch and saw that it was in fact only two o’clock! Thus, I went into the old church and asked the bell-ringer why he’d sounded the bell eight times when it was only two… He replied: “I know, but I like to do it a few times to make sure everyone heard…”

One or two individuals burst out laughing as soon as this joke had finished, and several followed their lead- some blindly, others with comprehension-but it could be seen that one or two in the audience had been plunged into a state of deep thought that could just last for the rest of their lives…

Noticing this, Malcolm began another story: “Another time, I paid a visit to the local court, and witnessed a truly bizarre case involving a woman who had sued her husband for damages to her vehicle… Having heard her case, the judge asked that Irish gentleman if he had anything to say in his defence. He said: “Yes, your honour! I never meant to throw that brick through my wife’s windscreen! She ducked…”

At this, a roar of laughter erupted from roughly three-quarters of the audience, in some cases to an extent which could be labelled as chronic… Some men held their sides firmly as they laughed, as though to restrain organs from exiting their bodies, and a large quantity of beer found its way onto the floor of the Luffsbury town hall…

(The mirth was not quite unanimous, however, as a few of the audience, usually of the fair sex, frowned and hummed disapprovingly…)

Malcolm was able to win over most of these, however, with one of his winning smiles… (It may have entered the reader’s mind by now that Malcolm was perhaps something of a charmer, in particular with regard to the female sex- and indeed, this was so, up to a point… It is a curious fact sometimes observed in human society that these “charmers” often remain in a single state, despite their evident favour with many women and their uncanny ability to direct attention and admiration to themselves… Perhaps it is the fact that these charmers have such a wide array of admirers and potential lovers that they are unable to narrow down a single person in whom they are able and willing to place the trust and dedication necessary in order to submit to marriage… Almost as soon as one pretty face rears itself up with interest, there is another, then another, and another… Such a circumstance could indeed be the case for Malcom Knight, who had never married, despite his frequent jokes and funny tales in which he presented himself as being or having been so… It was in this condition that he found common ground with his associate, Roger Day, amongst other things…)

Malcolm resumed his discourse on his travels in Ireland: “Of course, one of the things that the Irish are famous for is their drinking! Yes, though scientists have long failed in their quest for a perpetual motion machine, they have, in the good people of Ireland, a perpetual drinking machine, should they need it! Yes, to this day, I still have a hangover… To the Irish, drinking is like breathing- nay, it is more important than breathing, for, if one is to stop breathing, one will merely die, but if one is to stop drinking, he will cease to be Irish!” (As there happened to be an Irishman present, he gave an approving cheer and lifted his glass.) “Once, I paid a visit to an Irish pub… It was like… an asylum… but with a bar! There, I was profoundly introduced to the overwhelming national mindset of the Irish, commonly known to us all as… intoxication! To the Irishman, the glass is never half-empty or half-full; it is always full- and if it isn’t, then some poor barman is going to get it where it hurts!” (At this point, the Irish audience member was not present to cheer this remark, as he had left to pay a visit to the bar…)

Malcolm continued the exaggerated recital of his travels in Ireland for a little longer, managing to get a few more belly laughs from his outrageous tales, then he made an announcement: “ And now, gentlemen, ladies, and whatever else may happen to be present, I introduce you to my associate and friend Mr Roger Day, who is accompanied by a truly remarkable person: The ventriloquist ventriloquist’s dummy!”

The audience applauded with bemused fascination, eager to discover what curious spectacle awaited them…

During Malcolm’s performance, Roger Day had been sweating backstage. He had also been getting ready for his part of the act, but the sweating had been the primary activity…

Roger was accustomed to sweating during his own solo performances, being that kind of person, but he found that it had grown worse on this occasion. This was his first performance with a partner, and he found the excitement of doing so had dangerously intermingled with his nerves and had thus produced a deluge of bodily fluids.

He had begun to wonder, with his comedic brain, if the backstage might not be flooded, and he had begun to try to work out some sort of joke or humorous tale along those lines that could be included in an act, but he had not yet succeeded in doing so…

After some thought, Roger had realised the time for his appearance was nigh, and he had checked over the dummy with which he was to make his curious entrance.

Before the act, Roger and Malcolm had discussed the possibility of introducing a ventriloquist’s dummy into the show; Malcolm had been all for the idea, but it was discovered that neither he nor Roger possessed the ability to “speak from elsewhere”, as Malcolm liked to put it…

After some discussion, Roger had hit on the quirky idea of the “ventriloquist ventriloquist’s dummy”, which, simply, was a dummy which the two comedians claimed was a top ventriloquist, being able to make it seem as though Roger was speaking and moving his lips by means of its “special powers”, whilst maintaining absolute stillness and immobility with its own lips and face…

The idea had a sense of the ludicrous which appealed to Roger, and Malcolm was all for letting him put forward an idea, so they agreed to do it.

To add more humorous weight to the act, they decided to dress the dummy up in as comical a fashion as possible; Roger had suggested cross-dressing, but Malcolm had strongly advocated the dress of a “proper gentleman”…

They then obtained, after some difficulty, the following items: One ventriloquist’s dummy. One tall, black top hat. A dinner jacket with a watch chain attached, made to size. Black trousers, smart. One pince-nez, which added a truly irresistible sense of comedy, to the minds of the two comedians. And finally, one cane, which they affixed to the left hand of the dummy.

And thus, it was with this striking artificial gentleman that Roger Day made his appearance before the crowd of amused persons from Luffsbury, West Leasby…

“Yes, folks, here he is! The incredible ventriloquist ventriloquist’s dummy! He’ll have you fooled! Throwing his words into and then out of the mouth of his assistant, Roger Day, with perfect accuracy, whilst manoeuvring his lips in perfect synchronisation, he’s a wonder and a marvel!”

(A few parts of the audience were immediately on board with this idea and were tickled by the ridiculousness of it. The grandiose yet absurd appearance of the dummy had also captured attention. )

The two men had written some preamble and then some jokes for the dummy to tell, using Roger, allegedly, as its dummy…

“Right then, my good people! Let’s hear from this singular gentleman! Sir, what have you to say for yourself?” Malcolm demanded, looking at the dummy and totally ignoring Roger. (The dummy was held by Roger in his left hand; the left hand of the dummy had been placed behind Roger’s back, as though it were thus controlling him…)

The dummy looked at Malcolm whilst Roger kept his face staring rigidly ahead, and, moving his lips carefully and robotically, the dummy/Roger said: “My good man, I am pleased that it is not you who is the dummy…” “And why, pray, would that be?” Malcolm asked, affecting astonishment. “Because, sir, if that were so, you would surely break my hand… Fatso!”

As the dummy said this, it waggled its cane (with Roger’s aid) disapprovingly at Malcolm’s corpulent form.

The audience laughed heartily at this, and gave ample encouragement to the two men upon the stage.

“I say! You’re rather rude for someone so polite, aren’t you!?” Malcolm said, shamming shock and indignation. “My good sir,” the dummy replied, pompously, “I say what I please. For, as you may have observed, it is not usually I who do the saying…” “That’s no excuse!” Malcolm insisted, folding his arms and appearing offended, “You can’t go putting your dirty words into other people’s mouths!” “Do not strain yourself, sir,” the dummy replied, with mocking concern, “for your body is already under great stress and strain owing to its unnaturally large proportions. Such a prominent waistline is surely unbecoming for such an insignificant little man!”

“Why you…!” Malcolm shouted, pretending to lose his temper- and he made a wild rush towards the dummy as though to thoroughly disembowel it; he was stopped short, however, by a resounding “Thwack!” delivered to his side by the small walking cane. Malcolm made a worthy tumble to the floor, and the dummy urged him: “Be careful, my good man, lest our planet be shaken from its divinely determined orbit by your tremendous bulk!”

Malcolm rose and dusted himself down in mock fury. The audience was thoroughly engaged by this outrageous performance, laughing and cheering on the dummy. (A number of persons were present whose own waistlines were rather “prominent”, and they were thoroughly enjoying the spectacle of mockery being directed at anyone other than themselves, for a change…)

“I am sorry, my good sir, but you did ask for it…” the dummy said to Malcolm, who ignored it and continued rearranging himself.

Suddenly, as though in a fit of pique, Malcolm took one look at the dummy and then strode off the stage- this had been pre-arranged and was to be followed by a series of jokes and remarks from the dummy.

Though still rather damp, Roger was not sweating quite as much as he had been by this point, and this was in part due to the success of their act so far. A certain feeling of mutual appreciation had arisen between the audience and those whom it observed; and, for a man of Roger Day’s tense and sensitive nature, this feeling was more than tangible…

The audience present at the Knight and Day Show in the town of Luffsbury that evening was of a reasonably mixed nature, yet certain sections of it conformed to a set category: a number of working-class men, beer glasses in hand, formed a sizeable portion of those present; there was also a number of students and youngsters, who had come from a university that was near Luffsbury, and a handful of individuals whose position in the town made then stand out in the crowd.

The local Vicar, a large man with white hair and wild shaggy eyebrows, cast a critical and sometimes disapproving eye upon the proceedings, and out of all the minds that were present, his was one of the most able to discern any cracks or slip-ups that may occur in the act, as he was a man of some experience and had read widely (there was even a rumour that he had once read the bible, though this remained unconfirmed) and his disposition tended towards the criticizing and disassembling of his fellow men…

Then there was the mayor of Luffsbury, a small, timid man (though also of large proportions at his mid-riff) who had remained mostly silent during the first part of the act; he had, however, burst out suddenly into such agonies of laughter during the dummy’s act that a number of persons had begun to watch him curiously. His wife was also present, but she maintained an air of aloofness and cold indifference, and only broke her silence in order to chastise her husband’s fits of laughter…

The town hall in which the show was taking place was much like many a town hall- it was neither particularly large nor particularly small, and was in a reasonable state of repair, though, here and there, flaws in its upkeep could be perceived. This was the very first time that either Roger Day or Malcolm Knight had made an appearance on stage in Luffsbury, and their performance on this occasion was limited to a half hour, to be followed by a musical act known as “The Travelling Bonkers”, who seemed to enjoy a generous popularity in these parts.

The end of the half-hour was approaching, and Roger Day and the “ventriloquist ventriloquist’s dummy” were nearing the end of their part.

The dummy was reciting a joke: “Two philosophers, Soren Kierkegaard and Arthur Schopenhauer, are taking a trip together down the river in a small rowing boat. One of the oars happens to be a little bigger and in a better state of repair than the other. Mr Schopenhauer asks Soren which he would prefer to use, to which he replies: “Either/Or…”

This joke produced a snort from the vicar, which could indicate either mild amusement or disapproval; quite a number of the audience remained silent.

Indeed, Roger felt that this last part of the act was not perhaps as successful as its preceding parts- it was not, however, a disaster, which in Roger’s experience was a kind of success…

After the dummy had told its last joke, it was made to bow solemnly to the audience, then Malcolm Knight reappeared from the backstage in order to wrap up the act and take applause along with his associate.

As Malcolm had reemerged, it could be discerned by an observant individual that there was a peculiar twinkle in his eye, which, for those who knew Malcolm well, was in fact a sign of pending mischief… (Roger noticed, too, an odour as Malcolm drew near, which suggested he had been quenching his thirst rather ardently backstage…)

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, as we come to the conclusion of tonight’s performance, I must congratulate you all on your excellent taste and discernment in choosing to be present here this evening, and in having laughed, guffawed, chuckled, and exploded in joyful mirth at our performance! And now, before we disappear over the horizon, I must make a special appeal to a very specific and delightful portion of our audience this evening…” (At this, Roger Day looked questioningly at his friend; he did not recall this statement as being a part of their script for the show… He observed, too, the brightly shining twinkle, and a slight apprehension overcame him…)

“Yes, it is my duty and privilege as a friend of the gentleman and member of the Knight and Day Show to speak on his behalf and to look out for his interests and well-being… You see, my dear friend, Roger Day, has to this day– haha!- remained a man unwed! Can you believe it!- a man of his good looks and charm! And so, I must ask, and request on his behalf: are there any single ladies in tonight’s audience who would care to join my lonely friend for this evening, in order to partake of a drink or two and get to know his delightful self, with the prospect of… perhaps one day… becoming a day…! Haha!”

For a moment, Roger seriously considered hurling the dummy at Malcolm. He was not unaware of his friends’ occasional tendency towards mischief and dubious fun; he had not, however, anticipated this particular move on his part, and he found himself falling deep into the clutches of embarrassment and alarm…

“Come now,” continued Malcolm, casting his twinkling eyes upon various selected members of the audience, who, he sincerely hoped, were in fact not attached meaningfully to any man…

Quite a few of those present seemed to be in a similar state of mind as Roger, though not a soul dared depart, lest they miss the outcome of this unexpected development…

For a time, Malcolm remained silent, meeting eyes here and there questionably, many of which were turned away hurriedly in embarrassment or scorn.

One pair of eyes lingered long, and Malcolm suddenly stared intently in their direction and raised a hand in comical salute.

“Aha! What have we here? A pure and tender goddess has consented to come down from her heavenly realm and declare her passion for the delightful Roger! Pray, my dear woman, step forward and introduce yourself, so that this charming event may proceed further!”

The entire hall went silent as every eye focused on the front of the stage, eager to observe which of its number would step forth.

Roger Day had resumed his intense sweating, his forehead now resembling something akin to a river; every few seconds, he raised a shaky hand to its straining surface and attempted to drive away the steady stream…

His eyes, too, were glued to the front of the stage, apprehension and fear pounding through every inch of his body.

After a quiet, tense interval of about twenty seconds, a small, yet confident figure bounded to the front of the stage. She was a dark-haired, eager young woman with a very happy face and an air of cheekiness and fun that was not too dissimilar to that on display beside Roger…

As she burst through the front of the crowd, she had knocked a man with a pint of beer roughly; this resulted in a large amount of beer going all over the floor, the man, and the eager young woman…

This set the audience off laughing. They were glad of an opportunity to shake off the unexpected tension which had gripped the room.

Roger Day was not laughing. From the moment the young woman had bashed her way into his line of sight, he had observed one very crucial and soul-destroying fact about his prospective lover- she was not attractive…!

Large and almost heaving in body, her face of an odd and unpleasant design, and her hair rather unkempt and… was it rather greasy…, she was of an appearance which suggested that, had she not barged her way coarsely to the front of the audience, those barring her way would surely have been just as easily turned aside with revulsion as with violence…

Roger Day uttered a tremendous sigh. Gazing dumbly at this eager yet unappealing female, he felt to the very depths of his soul that this little adventure was not going to end well…

~To be continued~

(Copyright Daniel Macintyre 07/04/2026 protectmywork.com)

If you missed the first part of this story, you can read it by following this link: https://scribblings.uk/2025/06/05/the-comoedus-first-capitulum/